Caity Weaver and Rich Juzwiak, Gawker’s chief restaurant critics, recently ate, drank, and gasped their way through every international pavilion and theme park attraction at Walt Disney World’s Epcot. This is their review.
The Best Restaurant in the World
Unnamed Funnel Cake Kiosk
The American Adventure
Rich: We had initially planned to swing by America for breakfast as funnel cake is basically a pancake fried HARDER, and what is more American than eating ice cream for breakfast?
Caity: But, since we knew we had an afternoon of drinking planned, we relied on Disney’s private bus service in lieu of driving our own rental car. It worked like a charm, but it took forever.
Rich: Then, once we finally did get to Epcot, I INSISTED on seeing Ellen’s Energy Adventure. So we had a fried pancake with ice cream for dinner instead. Since we were midway through Drinking Around the World at that point, we were bombed.
Caity: Much like the 25 years I have spent in America, I barely remember anything about our time in America.
Rich: I don’t remember who served us.
Caity: Oh my God—I just remembered something about our time in America....I pretended to be British when we ordered. Halloooooo!
Rich: Oh yeah, why’d you do that again? I don’t think I even questioned you. I think you said, “I’m going to pretend to be British” and I was fine with that. I accept you, Caity. Whatever you want to be, whatever you think you are, at any given moment, I accept you.
Rich: Your accent was very subtle, I remember that.
Caity: Huy, cud we please get ah funnew cake wiv vanilla?
[There was a video here]
Caity: Hmm...Less good than I remembered it. Someone must have switched out the tapes?
Rich: I wish I hadn’t left my fake mustache at home. Coulda been a roit team of impostors, you and I.
Caity: Really the only thing I remember about the funnel cake is that I was British.
Caity: The liberally applied powdered sugar made my hands, already coated with sweat and sloshes of alcohols from Around the World, even stickier. It was good, as far as funnel cakes go. I love every single dessert I have ever had, but funnel cake is not high on my list of loves.
Rich: I was raised in a resort town with a boardwalk, so funnel cake is my culture. Thank you for representing my people, Epcot; I feel included in the world. This funnel cake was delicious. I didn’t taste the oil. I think I ate way more of it than you did. You can have half of my fries, but I get most of the funnel cake. That’s our deal.
Caity: What can I say—I’m British! I’m not used to eating “funneled cakes.”
Rich: And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know it’s my constitutional right to enjoy fried dough.
Is Everything OK?
Questions About the Dining Experience
Would you go back?
Caity: Yes. I love to go to America “on holiday” because I am British. (Just kidding. I would not go back.)
Rich: It’s a fuckin’ stand, man. I might, I might not, I might be dead in a few years from all the fried food and sweet cream I’ve ingested, including at this place. Who knows.
Is it a good first date spot?
Caity: Buying someone a funnel cake at a carnival after you win them an enormous stuffed dog wearing sunglasses is a cute first date. Buying someone a funnel cake for dinner in Walt Disney World is cheap.
Rich: Take your first date to a fuckin’ stand to buy fried dough with ice cream on top and see how that works out. Try it. I dare you.
Is it a good place to have an affair?
Caity: Yes. You can be anyone you want to be at the funnel cake stand. You can be Caity. You can be Caity (British). You can be anyone.
Rich: For reasons I can’t quite articulate, this strikes me as the kind of place a teacher would take her teenage student that she’s having an affair with. Have a ball, guys.
Rich (cont’d): Addendum: Wait, I mean stop. CITIZEN’S ARREST.
Is it a good place to bring the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney?
Rich: Yes! Few things are more American than a zany Weekend at Bernie’s scenario topped with sweet fried dough topped with ice cream. If you are not bringing Walt Disney’s frozen corpse to Funnel Cakes, you’re not doing Funnel Cakes right.